What's foreign what isn’t that's the question: Often when you live in another country for so long after being born in yet another, you tend to not know the difference between what used to be foreign to you and what IS foreign to you today. For me, what used to be foreign for a long long time was home for a long long time and now is suddenly sort of foreign again. So, I still speak of the US in terms of the 'here' word. I am often caught stating things like "They had raised the toll on the bridges here last year" (here meaning SF bay). So, in fact, I am at some subconscious level still meandering the streets of SF.
About three months have gone by since I've moved back and the observations don’t tend to cease. This time around I decided to focus my thoughts on humor since they are the most entertaining to read. And before I start off, thank you for your feedback. It has been overwhelming to read so many people's reactions. Please forward the blog to others who might find it fun to read.
What's your street address:
From colonial times under the British rule, Indian cities have been planned. The new system of placing every city on a grid before planning the streets and buildings never hit the developers here. So, all of new development has been close to chaotic. Here is the actual scene inside the boardroom meeting of city planners as I see it. Sets of construction companies bring darts with the shapes of buildings attached to the tails and the whole city that needs to be developed is charted on a moist soil floor. These builders then bid for space and the one that wins some is allowed to throw the darts on the designated area. Wherever the darts stick in the soil, the builder can build a building. If you see some of the new suburbia that has been developed it is a classic case of such planning. Buildings are erected where there should have been streets or parks. There is literally no planning for free space in any area as commercialization perks up the real estate prices. As a result, street addresses are non-existent. Every address here usually has a building name, suite number, floor number, landmark name, alternate landmark name, an optional third landmark name, cross street name, above-under landmark name, street name, nearest street name, nearest major highway name (if applicable), city, district, township, state and zip code!!!! No, I am not kidding. I recently called a cable company to get cable at my new apartment and they asked me my street address. Since my building is relatively new, I promptly started giving my address as:
93 Tarangan (Sharmishta), Thane (West), 400 602
After a long conversation with the customer service representative, I realized how far from the 'truth' this address was. I was enlightened in the true sense that my actual street address is:
93 Tarangan (Sharmishta) tower number II, 9th floor suite 3, Next to Cadburys compound, near Mission view hospital, Mangal pandey rd, crossing of Eastern express highway& LBS Marg, Off Eastern express highway, Near Wagle estate, Thane West, District Thane, Maharashtra, India 400 602
I guess they forgot the following part of the address: 'Planet Earth, 4th planet from the sun, near Venus, next to Mars, 156 billion miles from the Sun, very close to the moon. Galaxy number E 00082ACCU...... :)
Based on this I have devised a theory for street addresses. The theory assumes that no geometrical point on the map of India has accurate three-dimensional coordinates, so, there is always an error in measurement no matter what angle you measure it from (accurate per the theory of relativity & the theory of limits in mathematics). Now, when you give a short address, you are locating a point using one set of dimensions. The probability of locating that point increases to 1 as the number of relative coordinates increases. So, for n -> infinity (n= number of reference points in an address); the probability of locating that address ->1.
C for Collections; C for Chakkas:
This is by far my favorite topic to write on and you might understand why. This is the funniest of things I've discovered thus far. Back in the days when credit cards were first introduced in India, fraud and defaulters were rampant as collection agencies tried to get a grip on how to collect on delinquent accounts. The same for home and car loans. With the economy taking off, these guys had to get smarter faster to avoid a steep loss rate. A few years ago, just frustrated with the amount of fraud, some institutions started hiring ex-con's and unemployed youth as collectors on delinquent accounts. These people were hired by a third party, so, if anyone sues them, they could plead innocence stating that they were not directly involved in the hiring process. Bottom line was that everyone came to know of this strategy and that caused a lot of disrepute to these institutions as stories unfolded of how 'thugs of the bank' beat up some guy down the street because his payment was misplaced by the bank etc. These institutions had to suffer from the judiciary and had to eventually abandon this tactic of collection. And there come the Chakka's !!
What is a Chakka?
A Chakka is a Eunuch. A male dressed as a female with or without male genitalia. (Mostly without). These are individuals that have accepted begging and prostitution as their professions. For some strange reason, giving of alms to a 'chakka' is considered a good omen in Indian culture. So, the chakka's thrive on the superstitious minds and make their cash. Refusing cash to a chakka on an auspicious day like the opening of your new outlet may lead to poor sales is the kind of belief in the people's minds here. Chakka's wander in groups and carry obnoxiously loud instruments. They go around banging these instruments, so, if you are in no mood to give to a chakka, you will, to get rid of the obnoxious sounds. The chakka's at times are also known to be aggressive in taking your money by harassing you without actually picking your pocket. You get so fed up of them that you pay the money for them to get away. The more persistent you are the better bargain you get on them.
In the last few years, these financial institutions have hired chakka's to collect on accounts. These guys form gangs and virtually attack a defaulters place often playing drums loudly outside their homes till he/she lands up paying the debt or agreeing on something. If you falter on your promise, they will come the next day with increased vigor and destroy your happiness. The hiring of chakka's has been the best move they have made yet. The loss rate is down and the chakka's are employed.... win win situation?
Train tales:
You are not a true Bombayiite as you are not a true New Yorker unless you have traveled the Subway system. Almost everyone living here and the suburbia at some point of time in their life have taken the local trains. The Mumbai local train network boasts carrying 10 million passengers a day on its three-pronged network. The longest lines span about 60 miles end to end. The Mumbai local train service is split into three the Western Railway, Central Railway and the Harbor railway lines spanning the edges of Mumbai. With the boastful claims of carrying numerous passengers come interesting stories of overcrowded passenger compartments. For instance, when a person tells you that his train compartment was empty today what he really means was that he had enough room to wiggle is toe without hitting the person next to him. Train compartments ideally seat about 95 passengers and are mostly full at about 195 of them during rush hours. This gives rise to some innovative time killing techniques. After all, you can stand only as long in a sweaty humid chamber smelling your neighbor’s armpit or admiring his overgrown nasal hairline without passing out and collapsing. So, the 'regulars' of the rush hour trains have music groups. They bring instruments and some of them, proficient singers entertain everyone else (without choice) by singing songs. These are great stress busters for a journey that may last up to 2 hours. Another very unique innovation is the play of cards in an overcrowded compartment. I will try to describe this as well as I can in the next few lines. Card playing groups standing in the middle of an overcrowded compartment assemble under a small briefcase that is usually placed on top of the handrails used by passengers to hold onto while they stand. The bag has a rubber strap or a rubber band running across it. This band holds the deck facing downwards. Cards are distributed at the hand railing level and held close to the face while players look upwards to the briefcase. The dealt cards are snuck under the rubber band as they lay facing downwards as the game continues. These people have adjusted timings of the games so well that they have the right person drop out at the right times when his destination is about to arrive.
Now down to something more basic. The question is often asked as to the method of getting into and out of such overcrowded trains. That is a skill that Bombayiites have achieved. Here is the secret for you if you ever travel the trains here. All you do it align yourself in a way that you show 'intent to board' the train. That is, let others notice your interest in boarding a train. Then, you just stand in their way and perform the 'shavaasana' from yoga. The shavasanaa is the yogic meditative workout that asks one to put the body in the state of a dead person. In practising the shavasanaa, your 'body' literally gets carried into the train compartment with the force of the people boarding it. Now, to getting off the train. This is a slightly more difficult task and involves reconissance. You have to know your stations and start enquiring in advance as to which side the platform is expected. Once you know that, you have to nudge ahead and make way towards the door asking everyone in the way if they want to disembark at that station. Once you are behind a person that wants to get off at that station, you can start working on the shavaasaana part. You will be carried out of the train without much effort of your own. Newbies often get stuck at the back of the compartment and try to struggle through the crowd last minute. In such cases, the crowd behaves like weed at the bottom of shallow lakes. The crowd either sucks you back into the compartment or throws you out in an instant. You are at their mercy, so, make a sorry face if you're ever stuck in this situation. And not to worry if you ever get off at the wrong station, just make a loud noise telling the fellow passengers, they will pick you back in right up.
There are far too many interesting train stories about how I have personally traveled locally and inter state and how the journey itself is a major part of the trip. Long distance trains and overnight trains have their own interesting attributes. People tend to behave like they are in refugee camps aiding and assisting others and enjoying their way to the destination. I think I will leave it to the next episode to write about how I have traveled on train tops, the space between two cars, on door handles, windows etc. And yes, people, BART is Boring.. !
GM is not for General Motors:
It stands for Genetically modified products. When I bought a pack of dozen oranges from Costco and let them rot for a month in my storage bin in my apartment, little did I know that the Genetic modifications in them would make them look the same after such a long time? It is at that time that I realized what I was eating was far from what was growing in my backyard growing up. I hate to admit it, but such food always made me feel uncomfortable. It is very evident from the kind of produce that is available here that GM does indeed M the hell out of everything. Every produce in India is tiny and intense in taste. It is as though the same fruit was shrunk into a smaller size whilst retaining the flavor. The first time I had a tangerine here it was like having a starburst. The intense flavor took me by surprise. The same goes for salts and sugars. There is no way that you can add anywhere near the amount of salt in your food here as in the US. The salt is so strong in taste it's almost pungent. Veggies appear smaller as they should be. Even the meat, chicken etc don’t have too much flesh around their thighs, they are all lean, but then, they don’t eat at McDonalds either :)
Something for the Marketing brains:
Somehow Marketing of products is still to evolve to a mature phase. Not enough money is pumped into marketing technology and research. Marketing research is still at a primitive stage in this country, but it is developing with growth in the economy. In these times Marketing gimmicks are at times interesting and at times just plain downright ridiculous. One of the obsessions of marketers placing their products in the marketplace, especially when they don’t really have a clear advantage over the nearest competitor is to use an acronym. I will give an instance of ceiling fans. Now, how different is one ceiling fan from another. Yes, you can make the argument that one is more efficient in circulating the air than another at the same speed. All you need to do is make the inefficient one run faster. The bottom line impact on power consumption is just marginally different. So, herein come the marketers. They bring a new acronym, Behold the NEW Crompton ceiling fan with 'PVAC technology'. So, what is PVAC?. It is nothing but 'Power Vortex Air Circulation' technology. Sounds cool eh? ! All commercials of this fan will focus on the 'New' 'Radical' 'efficient' PVAC technology. This new wave of ceiling fans that's going to revolutionize how air will circulate in a room. All this is is just a marketing gimmick. We all know that all ceiling fans use vortex flow motion to circulate air in a room to give cooling. So, what the hell indeed is PVAC? Absolutely nothing. Just another term to give create a non-existent differentiation. This is an example of non-existent acronym being created and put into use. There are others that exist and make sense and are abused and sold to customers. Examples like PMPO (Peak musical power output) were used and abused to confuse the buyers into buying substandard stereo components in the past. The consumer is getting more educated about this now with the outreach of the internet and discussion forums and product reviews that it is getting harder for manufacturers to making confusing or false claims about their products.
I want to write a quick note about these write-ups. I know that they highlight the funny aspects of life in India. What is humor for us is real life for someone else. In the following episodes of my chronicles I am going to focus on some of the serious aspects of living in India. What makes it tick? What makes it survive in an ever-changing world?
